Since the sofa won't be coming with us, I've been spending a little time exploring the online showrooms for Ikea and other discount (and non-discount) furniture shops. Probably won't be able to act on it anytime soon, but its a nice distraction. (I'm convinced you need just a hint of schizophrenia to survive long term layoffs and unemployment. A dash of denial helps too. You should try it.)

Either way, a girl can dream. So I select "Living Room" and "Sofas." Page after page after endless page of.... White upholstery?? Are they serious? Or is this a covert and elaborate economic stimulus package to fix our economy via cleaning services?

Behold! The brave Maasi hunter enters the fluffy, white savanna of the living room. He spies his prey, the vile kitty cat who mauled his G.I Joe not a day before. Slowly he approaches. Within range, he springs over the arm of the sofa. His shoes leave black scuffs of great justice and a flurry of shed fur as the villain flees. His sippy cup falls, scattering drops of grape juice like rich, purple blood upon the pristine whiteness.

And lo! The great domestic goddess solves it all with a call to Stanley Steamer, the carpet cleaners! Yet another push towards economic recovery! Yippie! Praise be the soldiers of economic recovery!

Okay, someone level with me. The person(s) who came up with this trend are those strange, ultra clean people... aren't they?

You know, the ones who don't have pets, kids, or deal with the occasional chucklenut who couldn't hold a glass if his life depended on it. They obviously never have to sleep or take a nap on the couch either. Probably never had to deal with a leaky diaper either... be it adult or infant.

To be fair, they had a few options for most of the sofas: Granny Floral, cream, beige, and ecru. A few offered bizarre, eye-searing plaids and baby-vomit pastels (think the early 90s) just for giggles.

Thanks for the laugh, designers! I really needed that. But can you show me the real upholstery now?